


the moon is there for you tonight

by carinhoso



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood friends to strangers to friends to lovers, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, feelings are crazy, jaemin is trans i just want to mention it, mark is a mess for most of this, mark is a soundcloud rapper, mentions of internalized homophobia, not a lot actually happens, overwhelming feelings, yangyang and jaemin's relationship isn't explored all that much sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carinhoso/pseuds/carinhoso
Summary: He remembers the feeling when he released his first song on SoundCloud. The exhilaration of his thoughts being out in the open, the nervousness of his roommate finding out the song was Mark's, and the even bigger dread of him finding out the lo-fi track about a secret love was about him.
Relationships: Liu Yang Yang/Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 10
Kudos: 106
Collections: 99' ft 00' fic fest





	the moon is there for you tonight

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! even if my writing isn't the best, i really enjoyed writing this piece and loved being a part of the 99ft00 fest! i hope y'all enjoy this hehe...
> 
> special thanks to my bffie ays for proofreading this and helping me edit ily ^-^
> 
> title comes from the song we're not just friends from parks, squares & alleys
> 
> the prompt was #FT140!

_Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us._

_These, our bodies, possessed by light._

_Tell me we'll never get used to it._

**_– Richard Siken, "Scheherazade", Crush_ **

_then_

Mark Lee first met Huang Xuxi when he was 7 years old.

He fell for him, literally. Xuxi was already too tall for his age and too full of energy for his own good, so he accidentally knocked tiny little Mark down the playground. This prompted Mark to break his arm and Xuxi to cry his eyes out as he apologized over and over again. Mark thought he was super cute, even with his two front teeth missing and tears staining his face, so cute he couldn't even concentrate on how bad his arm was hurting until he was putting his cast on.

They became best friends after that.

_now_

At eighteen years old, Mark arrived in his university dorm with badly bleached blond hair under a baseball cap he stole from Jeno and big dreams of changing the world. He felt like he could take on the world until Huang Xuxi walked into his room.

"Hey, I think we're gonna be roommates" he heard a deep voice say from behind him. The same voice that had haunted most of his dreams for years "I'm Lucas, by the way"

Mark turned around "Uh, Hey man,"

"Mark," Xuxi seemed taken aback "Hey,"

Mark felt as if God was mocking him, almost the same way Jeno laughed at his face when they went out for dinner later.

"What did you expect?" Jeno had said, "We're on a thirty-minute drive from our hometown, did you think Mama's boy, Huang Xuxi would leave his nest that easily?"

"I didn't think I'd have to _share a room_ with him…" Mark banged his head against the table "How am I supposed to survive this year?"

_then_

Things were going great for their friendship, really. 

They had been friends for almost 7 years now, and during that time Mark was finally growing into his head, Xuxi had his front teeth back, Mark started learning guitar, Xuxi started swimming and getting medals from it. Mark fell for his best friend, this time, no broken arms... just a broken heart as Xuxi introduced his first girlfriend, Yerim. She was pretty and funny – and nice too – greeting Mark cheerfully as she sat down on their lunch table. 

Things went downhill from there.

_now_

It was a nice spring day when Mark's roommate, Xuxi, arrived in his dorm with his usual dumb smile and cheerfulness.

"Marky boy!" He smiled, and Mark was 100% sure that no one should be this handsome or have this many teeth "How's it going?"

"Uh," Mark tried to shut his computer in the least suspicious way, trying to seem as if he wasn't just writing another love song about the boy in front of him "Same old, still hate my Medieval professor,"

"Dang, that's bad" The tall boy replied, seemingly bummed that Mark was struggling, and the cat-eyed boy wanted to either scream into his pillow or kiss his roommate until his lips felt numb, or both.

"Yeah…" Mark mumbled, Xuxi had just come back from swim practice, hair still damp and swept-back messily, and it was _too hard_ not to notice, though everything about Xuxi was too hard not to notice "I-I have to go now, promised to look over Jeno's homework"

"Oh"

"Yeah"

Mark hoped the world would swallow him whole now. It didn't.

—

"You're stupid," Jeno told him after Mark had cried about the last conversation with his roommate "No wonder he thinks you _hate_ him,"

The pizzeria wasn't too crowded, feeling cozy and inviting as the two boys got to sit at their favorite booth at the corner of the place, waiting for their friend group's power couple to arrive.

"He doesn't think I hate him!" Mark whined into his pizza slice.

"Well, I wouldn't be surprised if he did!"

"If who did what?" Jaemin said as he slid to the place next to Mark.

"Xuxi thinks Mark hates him even though Mark wants to have his dick in his mouth, "

"Okay, there's no need to be so graphic in public," Mark felt his ears and cheeks go warm at his friend's words. He felt as if the group of people nearest to them could hear his friends' teasing, though it was probably just him being paranoid.

"Oh, you still haven't confessed?" Yangyang came and sat in front of Jaemin, grabbing a slice from the meat lovers' pizza in front of them.

"Why would I confess?" Mark whined again, dreading what would happen if he did so.

"Why wouldn't you?" Jaemin mocked his tone "You know, you're never gonna date him if you just keep writing love songs about him and then ignoring his existence in person, "

"Who said I wanted to date him, huh?" Mark refuted.

"You did, " Yangyang replied, stealing Jeno's soda and taking a sip "Last week when you were… Too drunk for your own good, "

"Oh, " Mark was caught off guard by that "Well, I don't remember it, so it didn't happen!"

"You know that's not how it works, " Jeno said, at this point, the three of them were just worried for Mark who one-hundred percent had too much on his plate, he knew that and he appreciated the feeling, but he was only good at giving advice, not receiving it.

"Can we just change the subject, _please?_ "

"Fine then, " Yangyang grinned "Have you been writing any new love songs about Lucas?"

Mark groaned.

_then_

So here's how it went, Mark had recently completed 15 years old and was becoming friends with a few underclassmen in his music academy, he hadn't talked to Xuxi all summer, avoiding him like the plague and creating all kinds of excuses he probably shouldn't have made, all because it just hurt too much to see how Xuxi smiled, how he said 'it's okay' when it wasn't and how he wished Mark would 'get better soon, even if you really should go to a doctor after spending most of the summer sick', and how different it was from when he smiled at Yerim.

Now, it was the first day back in school, and he thought he was finally over Xuxi. Spoiler alert: he really wasn't.

By the end of the school year, they weren't friends anymore.

_now_

Sometimes, when Mark looks at Huang Xuxi, he remembers something one of his online friends told him.

_I look at him and it's like I'm onto some hanahaki disease shit, I feel the flowers blooming in my stomach, growing onto my throat, suffocating me completely._

(Jisung had always been overdramatic, he blamed it on his Scorpio moon, though Mark just thought he was dramatic. They bickered because of it a lot, since Mark was a Leo and Jisung an Aquarius, both too stubborn for their own good.)

Now, Mark thought he completely understood what Jisung meant by that, he looked at Xuxi and thousands of roses, daisies and camellias stopped him from breathing, choking and killing him slowly. If he concentrated, he swore he could feel their scent.

(Jisung always said Mark was the truly dramatic one, maybe he was right.)

Sometimes, he had to remind himself to not be weird, _stop looking at him, you'll freak him out_ , and he knows he wouldn't be able to finish college in that school if Yukhei hated him, and transfer forms were just _so_ complicated. He was better off just pretending like his heart wasn't about to burst.

_then_

When Mark stopped talking to him, Xuxi was hurt. Too much to be able to put it into words. 

He and Yeri were fine, she was a good friend and treated him well, so he treated her well too. He liked her, even if only as a friend. Lucas tried to tell Mark about it, to get advice on it. _Mark had always been the person he trusted the most, his soulmate, even_. 

But Mark was too busy to talk to him, so he just dealt with it, because Mark wouldn't lie to him about being busy, he wouldn't avoid him. 

They were best friends, weren't they?

_now_

It's hard not to fall for Huang Xuxi, almost impossible, even. Almost like the gods themselves were in love when they made him. 

Tall figure and big eyes and huge smile with too many teeth for him to be human and big ears that get red with embarrassment and soft hair and the smell of soft cologne mixed with chlorine and loud laughs that had made Mark get dizzy for the past decade or so. 

Huang Xuxi was the epitome of love, of beauty. It was a pity that he thought Mark hated him, when it was impossible to do such thing, like hating puppies or happiness or love, you just couldn't do it.

It was 3 am, Xuxi slept on his bed across from Mark's, chest rising and falling slowly and steadily, they had forgotten to close the blinds and the moon shone brightly, giving him a mystical look as it sprinkled around his defined face. Mark felt his heart hammering against his chest, it was definitely too late for this. The leo boy had stayed up late finishing a paper and had only briefly greeted Lucas when he had arrived from a study meeting hours before. If Mark's heart didn't stop being so loud, so eager to be noticed, to be loved, to be touched… If Mark's heart didn't calm the fuck down, Xuxi would wake up, and Mark's secret would be out, and his life would be over. Because he loved him, because he knew Xuxi didn't love him; because a boy that loved a boy that didn't love him back was as good as a dead boy. 

Mark didn't want to be a dead boy. 

So he went to take a shower, to pretend as if the warm water would clean his soul of his feelings.

It didn't. Mark tried to sleep.

_then_

Xuxi and Yeri broke up two weeks before Junior Year started. News spread like a forest fire, smoke hitting Mark in the face in the form of a lanky Lee Jeno, who burst into his bedroom one afternoon with a cherry popsicle in his mouth and hair covering his eyes, blabbering about how he heard from Jaehyun who worked at the convenience store near Mark's house, that heard from Jungwoo that was telling Jaemin about the news after hearing them from Xuxi himself. 

Everyone was shocked, as they were dating since they were 14 and seemed like the epitome of high school sweethearts. They remained friends, and although no one really understood why or how, it still made sense, since they were Xuxi and Yeri, and they were a duo, even if they weren't dating anymore.

_now_

"You know Xuxi isn't homophobic, right?" Renjun said nonchalantly as he took a spoonful of Mark's ice cream. They were alone in Renjun's dorm, the show they were watching on Renjun's laptop was forgotten, a tub of Vanilla ice cream where the computer used to be.

"Out of nowhere?" Mark tried joking around, even if it wasn't out of nowhere. He had texted Renjun two nights before, after he almost burnt his skin off in the shower, wondering how much Yukhei would hate him if he found out about his feelings. Renjun hadn't answered, because it was almost 4 am and because he was terrible at texting back, he had just called Mark to come over that morning.

"Mark," Renjun looked at him with his Renjun eyes, the type their friends said had a million sparkles inside, like they were made of glitter and not whatever human eyes were made of. "He wouldn't hate you at all… If anything, Xuxi wants to be your friend again, at least give it a try, give _him_ a try"

Mark snorted "Yeah right,"

"I'm serious… take things slow, be his friend first, and maybe later you'll be his lover," Renjun took another spoonful of ice cream and reached over to his laptop, as unknowable as ever, and pressed play on another episode of Queer Eye.

_then_

Xuxi's break up with Yeri didn't start as pretty as they made it seem. 

They had been fighting because he wasn't talking to her as often, and was lying about being busy. She was hurt, and he had been a mess for months now, ever since he and Mark had truly stopped being friends. He tried to look unbothered, but she could tell he wasn't dealing with it properly.

So she showed up at his house, greeting his mother gingerly before she left to do groceries, patting his big golden retriever before bursting inside his bedroom, shocking him so much he fell off his bed.

"We need to talk," she announced.

—

"Why are you avoiding me?" Yeri asked, she seemed hurt, like a kicked puppy.

They sat next to each other on his bed, his astronaut bedding was soft and felt familiar to her, even if Xuxi didn't anymore. It felt like a reminder that he was still there, even if he was hiding something and it was eating him up inside.

"I'm sorry,"

"Xuxi," Yeri looked up from the bed, her eyes were delicately colored with light pink eyeshadow and decorated with a dark brown eyeliner, they seemed sad and Xuxi felt guilty about it "Are you cheating on me?"

"What?" He seemed shocked, offended, even. _Why_ would he cheat on her?

"You've just been sneaking around and avoiding me and acting all weird… Are you cheating on me? Are you hiding something from me?"

"Oh, Yerim," He felt his eyes water, why did things have to happen like this? "Let's break up."

Yeri stormed out of his room and didn't text anything to him besides a _fuck you_ , sent when she got home. He messed up.

_now_

It was 9 pm on a Saturday night and Huang Xuxi was not supposed to be there. He could be, of course, his parents were paying the same dorm fee as everyone else, and he had a shitty day and wasn't feeling like watching his friends drink themselves closer to liver failure that night. It didn't change the fact that he shouldn't be there that night.

He quietly started to open the door and felt his eyes widen to the scene in front of him.

Mark sat on his desk, Phum Viphurit's Lover Boy played softly as the leo boy hummed along, working silently on whatever essay he procrastinated on doing for the past week. Pajama pants, an old spiderman t-shirt, and mismatched socks and the face that had controlled the aquarius' dreams for as long as he could remember. Xuxi felt his heart try to come out through his throat. 

He snapped himself out of it, remembering the four-year plan that started with him becoming friends with Mark once again, and hopefully ended with the two of them married and with as many pets as they could rescue. 

(The plan wasn't perfect, as the first year was past halfway done and he had made little progress, but hey, progress is progress no matter how small.)

He ignored the feeling and continued to open the door.

"Marky boy!" Xuxi smiled, being as loud and lively as a Xuxi could be "Whatchu' up to?"

Mark replied with a joke and Xuxi laughed as he always did, and joked back and before they even knew, they had stayed up until late, just… Talking, his shitty day and Mark's shitty essay completely forgotten. Xuxi missed this more than anything.

_then_

"Yeri" Xuxi had showed up to her house uninvited. She tried closing the door on him. "Please talk to me,"

"Let me think about it," She pretended to be deep in thought "No,"

"Let me explain, please," He looked tired, as if he'd been agonizing about it for the past few days "I promise I won't hide anything from you, not anymore."

She opened the door all the way and let him pass.

"You have ten minutes"

And so he used those ten minutes as best as he could. They sat on her bedroom floor as he sobbed on her shoulder after he came out, returning to his little boy self, once again becoming more tears than boy, his shoulders feeling lighter with each pat she gave on his back.

"Thank you for trusting me with this," She whispered against his ear "I'm sorry for being a cunt about the break-up,"

They were fine.

_now_

"We've been talking more" Mark mumbled against Jeno's neck "Xuxi and I"

It was 3 weeks after that fateful Saturday night, Mark laid with Jeno on bed, hands interlocked as they stared at the cheap glow in the dark stars on Jeno's ceiling. The room would be radio silence if not for the noisy aircon, which he remembers Jeno hated when he first moved into that dorm, but now, he couldn't sleep without it. Like it was a reminder of where he was, physically and mentally.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah,"

"That's good… Are you gonna tell him?"

"Tell who what,"

"Tell Xuxi you love him,"

"No, I doubt I ever will," Mark mumbled "But who knows, a tiny but wise man told me to take things slow,"

"Dang… Is that tiny man an aries majoring in art therapy? because if he is, you should take him to that exhibition he's been wanting to go to," Jeno replied, acting as if in deep thought "And take me too, because I need a distraction from my Korean War essay,"

"What an opportunist you are, Mr. Lee."

"Oh, shut up," Jeno bumped his head against Mark's and giggled.

_then_

It was senior year now, and Liu Yangyang had just moved in with his father, two doors away from Na Jaemin. It took Jaemin about 2 minutes of Yangyang talking to get a crush and a single compliment about how his pink hair looked like candy for him to fall in love. It took way longer than that to confess, but he did it, after a lot of help from their friends. 

Mark was happy for them, both were crazy for each other and it was painfully obvious, but there was a part of him that was just a bit jealous, because he would never be able to have that with Xuxi. Because senior year was ending and Mark was never going to talk to him again.

_now_

Jaemin sat in front of Mark in the almost empty cafe, his own 'death coffee' halfway done, his eyes with bags as big as the full backpack Jeno carried around like his life depended on it. They had been there for 15 minutes and Jaemin basically didn't speak, which was weird, because Jaemin _never_ shut up.

"Well no need to talk my ear off," Mark teased before taking a bite of his bagel "You look like death,"

"Thank you, Markie, you look marvelous as well," Jaemin rolled his eyes "Sorry… I've been pulling all-nighters all week, I bumped into a pole yesterday and apologized"

"Oh wow,"

"I called it ma'am, Mark," Jaemin grumbled "Imagine giving a gender to a fucking _pole_ , what am I? a cishet?"

Mark snorted "Just take a break, kiddo"

"I can't," Jaemin sighed "Yangie's mom is coming from Germany next week and I can't be busy during that time because how else am I going to make her love me enough to let me have her son forevermore?"

"You're a student, I think she wouldn't be offended that you're trying to pass your classes," Mark took Jaemin's coffee away from him and started to put his pens inside Jaemin's sparkly pencil case "Besides, you're like a mom magnet, it's impossible to be a mom and dislike you,"

"You really think so?" Jaemin's voice was small, nervous with a tiny glimmer of hope, the same type of voice he used when Mark and Jeno convinced him of asking Yangyang out.

"I know so," Mark replied "Now please stop drinking this death sentence and go take a nap, I'll pay, "

"I love you," Jaemin said while putting his hood on and lightly throwing the pencil case inside his backpack "Sorry we didn't get to talk a lot… But text me, okay? I still want to hear about the Xuxi story,"

"Okay," Mark smiled as his friend put his hand over his "I love you too… Sleep well, kid,"

_then_

Mark didn't have a birthday party when he was eight. He had gotten terribly sick and could barely leave his bed. So he didn't get a birthday party.

Instead, Xuxi showed up to his house, big ears and a big smile and a big chocolate cake that he almost dropped when he handed it to Mark's mom.

"You're gonna get sick!" Mark remembers trying to say it very worriedly, but with his nose as clogged as it was, it sounded more like a weak mewl, frail and impotent.

Xuxi simply ignored him, because he wasn't letting his best friend spend his birthday being sad.

Maybe that's when Mark fell in love, or maybe his heart had quickened its pace because of his fever, but it didn't really matter.

_now_

Mark Lee was a dead boy. 

He supposes he had always meant to end that way, since he, sadly, was human and human flesh was doomed to rot and life was a ticking clock, but that was too fake deep and dark and he usually let that to Jaemin, who was majoring in psychology and liked to speak like that to annoy their friend group. But that wasn't important now. What mattered was that Mark Lee was a dead boy.

Not actually dead, maybe Jisung was right and he was a bit overdramatic, but to make a long story short, Xuxi had found out about his songs.

He remembers the feeling when he released his first song on SoundCloud. The exhilaration of his thoughts being out in the open, the nervousness of his roommate finding out the song was Mark's, and the even bigger dread of him finding out the lo-fi track about a secret love was about him.

Thankfully, that didn't happen, and nine months and 13 more songs later, Mark's roommate, Xuxi, still didn't know he was in love with him. Until he knew, that is. Not that he was in love with him, but at this point, the fact that Xuxi knew about his SoundCloud account was a countdown to Xuxi knowing Mark was in love with him, and subsequently a countdown to Mark being a dead boy, even if not literally.

It had happened all so naturally, like it was meant to be, like the Gods were mocking him once again, a big _fuck you_ after Mark had stopped going to church since getting into college. 

They were talking, they were _talking_ , having a conversation, as _friends_ , because that's what they were, friends. Mark and Xuxi were friends, after all those years, after all those feelings, Mark had managed to become Xuxi's friend once again. And it felt so great.

Then, Mark ruined it when he opened his computer.

It happened so fast too, his screen lit up, he put his password on, not really paying attention, more focused on his discussion with Xuxi about whether chickens had thoughts and feelings(Xuxi was sure they had, Mark wasn't so sure), then, Xuxi saw a folder on his screen.

"What's Lover Boy?" Xuxi questioned, big eyes sparkling over the artificial light.

"Oh, it's my SoundCloud" _fuck_.

"You never told me you had one!" Xuxi sounded betrayed, but he didn't look hurt at all, like he was teasing him… Oh God "Markie, this is so cool!"

Mark giggled nervously "It's not a big deal, didn't think it was worth mentioning"

"Of course it is! I remember when we were younger and you wanted to be a singer, this is great dude,"

He insisted on listening to a song, then another, then he downloaded the Soundcloud app on his phone and followed Mark there "Whoa, you already have 200k followers… Didn't know my buddy was a celebrity," He giggled as he said that, Mark felt like digging up a hole and dying.

The countdown to Mark Lee being a dead boy was starting, he could feel it.

_then_

Huang Xuxi first realized he liked boys when he was 13 years old, and he hated himself for it. So he was more than relieved when Yeri confessed to him, it was his chance to stop liking boys.

Only that isn't how it works, as he came to know when he was already 16 and finally coming to terms with it. He and Yeri broke up and became the best of friends, he also came out to his parents, who accepted him well enough, not quite understanding but still trying their best. And even if he was not the most open about his sexuality, it felt good to tell people about it, to feel like he didn't need to hide it.

But he still missed Mark, he always did.

_now_

Their tiny dorm bathroom was too cramped up for the two of them, especially considering that Xuxi was over 6 feet tall and Mark wasn't exactly short either. Yet there they were, Xuxi sitting down on the closed toilet as Mark stood between his legs, cleaning up the cut just above his left eyebrow, expression furrowed in concentration and eyes filled with worry.

"I'm sorry for breaking your speakers," Xuxi said, looking straight into his eyes, Mark prayed he wasn't getting red "I'll get you new ones when I get paid,"

"You don't need to," Mark grabbed a spiderman band-aid from his first aid kit, a necessity when all of your friends were tall children "They were old anyway, I was planning on replacing them for months now,"

"Even so," Xuxi started before Mark turned away from him "I broke them, let me get you a replacement,"

"You don't need to," Mark left the bathroom and put his first aid kit back inside his backpack. Xuxi followed him like a lost little (adorable) puppy.

"Mark," he started, and when Mark turned to face him, they were so close. He prayed Xuxi couldn't hear his heart. "I want to get you new speakers, please let me."

"O-okay" _oh no_ he stuttered, of course he fucking stuttered, because he always had to make it all so obvious "I'm gonna go to bed now haha, I have an 8 am lecture tomorrow"

"You do?" he didn't, Xuxi probably knew that.

"Yeah… Good night!" Mark got under his covers and laid down facing the wall. What a mess Mark Lee was.

_then_

It was the first day of university, they were moving into their dorms, Xuxi's mom cried as much as he remembered Yeri's mom crying when they dropped her off at the airport. 

(Xuxi cried too, as much as he hated to admit, Yerim was, _is_ , his best friend and the fact that she managed to get a scholarship out of the country was amazing, and he was going to miss her a lot.)

Still, he bid his mother goodbye, — they hadn't entered his dorm because Xuxi thought his roommate would want a little privacy with his parents —, and he opened the door.

There were no parents there, just a boy, tall(ish), with bleached hair and a bunch of bags.

"Hey, I think we're gonna be roommates," he said, unsure before continuing with more certainty "I'm Lucas, by the way"

His new roommate turned around and the world crumbled.

_now_

Xuxi was tired of whatever he and Mark were going through. If he had to make the first move, he would.

—

"Mark," Xuxi was waiting for him when he got to their room, Mark felt like throwing up "Can we talk?"

He _knew_ , Mark was sure he knew and he was gonna reject him and they were going to have to be awkward for the remaining months they had living together and then Xuxi would forget him once again. Oh no.

Mark felt as if he had done something terrible, like he had robbed a liquor store, and he had to run before he got caught, but Mark was tired of running. He felt as if he had done something terrible, but he had only been in love. Maybe that was the terrible thing. It didn't matter anymore.

"Yeah, sure" he smiled as he felt his world crashing down "What do you want to talk about?"

_then_

Life was about waiting, Xuxi had learned that at a very young age. 

Waiting for your turn on the slide, waiting for your little brother to leave the bathroom so you can pee, waiting for dinner to get ready, waiting until your mom can buy you new sneakers because yours are on the verge of giving up, waiting for the right time to come out to your family, waiting for your dog to have her puppies, waiting for the earth to swallow you whole. Waiting.

During his freshman year in university, he became tired of waiting.

Every time he saw Mark Lee freeze up when he entered the room, every moment he felt his heart sink when he felt Mark grow uncomfortable near him. He waited patiently for the moment when they would become closer, then impatiently, then not at all.

_now_

"I'm in love with you," Xuxi said after they had stared at each other for just a little too long.

"What?!" Mark choked on his own saliva "No, you're not,"

"What? Yes I am" Xuxi seemed mildly offended

"There's actually no fucking way you are, dude" Mark chuckled nervously before Lucas scoffed and rushed close to him

"Let me prove it to you," Xuxi said in a low tone and Mark felt his bones become jello. Xuxi kissed him. With his lips. On Mark's lips. Mark tried to find a way to discreetly pinch himself, just to make sure that wasn't a dream and that he wouldn't wake up sweating, crying, with Xuxi looking at him worried, from the other side of the room.

Kissing Huang Xuxi was like a loop of dying and coming back to life. Mark felt his heart stop in its tracks before continuing on a superhuman speed. It was like cyanide running through his veins, burning him inside, killing him not-so-slowly. He wouldn't have it any other way.

They pulled away.

"Okay," Mark was breathless "I believe you, but just to be sure,"

He pulled Xuxi close once again.

—

Mark Lee had seven eyes and fiery red hair and a smile to die for, and Xuxi knew all of that. He had been hopelessly in love with Mark since before he realized what that meant. Before he realized he was doomed to love him and doomed to be rejected and ridiculed, until he realized he wasn't. Until he went to college and felt Mark's angel claws rip his heart out as he said hello, until he realized Mark hadn't, and wouldn't, hate him. Until he realized Mark was just as doomed as he was. And as he reached over, his fingers writing a million love letters against Mark's naked back, he realized it wasn't doom.

It was salvation.

—

Huang Xuxi has been Mark Lee's object of affection ever since they were seven and Mark saw him, more tears than boy as he cried too many apologies to the boy with a head too big for his body. Ever since, the universe had kept them close, either for Mark's sanity or to rid him of it (he was never sure which one). But Huang Xuxi was a prayer for which no words exist, and Mark is sure of that.

As the taller boy reached to him, huge hands cupping his face as he kissed him all over, his lips turning Mark real, Mark's heart took over his body and he found a feeling with thousands of names, love, safety, dread, euphoria mixed as he breathed Xuxi in, as if he could simply unhinge his jaw and swallow him whole, keep him close forever.

He felt gross as he felt love cloud his thoughts, Xuxi's hair soft against his fingers, Xuxi's eyes scanning his, as warm as ever. Xuxi.

He wrote a song about it the next morning.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> once again i hope everyone enjoyed this story!! i grew very attached to it during the months i spent writing, even if it isn't the best story ever hehe
> 
> okie thank u for reading i love y'all mwah!


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